Are You There?

We've all had to lament about dating after divorce, those of use who came out on the other side still single that is.  There seems to be a pattern.  Just a few months in (and my friends who ended up widowed seemed to feel the same way) and you're desperate to feel needed, desperate to be remarried.  It seems to me that a lot of second marriages wind up as a result of that passion.  Maybe that's part of the even higher divorce rate with second marriages.

If you read the book Crazy Time it describes the different stages post-separation/divorce, starting with hummingbird and ending with phoenix.  I was still caught up in my self-righteous, 'This is not right, we promised GOD till death, God hates divorce' party line, when I read it through the first time.  I was struck tho, by how uncannily predictive my actions had been to that point.  I couldn't stomach the terror of the reality of divorce so I covered that fear up with my belief statements when I first read it.  What it did was force me to let reality start sinking in.  

Basically it's normal to have a fling of sorts, our hummingbird stage.  For me, it was like high school all over again.  So many emotions.  We were both in the same boat; just seeing that someone could be attracted to me was enormous.  Our scenarios were similar, we both recognized the pain of the other.  It was great, until it wasn't, then it was, 'What was I THINKING?"  

It was just what I needed.  Except I kept going, ended that because there was something closer to home.  He was perfect.  I just knew it.  I figured it all out.  Yeah, he would need some time to adjust, but it was as if we were SUPPOSED to be together.  I was going to make sure of it.  Except that it seemed like deja vu all over again.  Wait, I didn't want to be in charge, that's what I did when I got married the first time and I got really tired of that, why do I feel so miserable?

It took me eighteen months to come to the conclusion that 'nothing' was better than 'not enough.'  It was hard to let that go, but just like when I knew I had to move out of the home I had raised my kids in, I knew I had to make a change.  I knew, my gut told me that I would have to face my alone-ness, the thing I had been avoiding for probably most of my fifty years.

Fifty, divorced, raising three kids, navigating a degree and moving from stay-at-home mom to full time employee.  Throw moving into the mix, getting the first one off to college, balancing the anxiety of a new career with two teenage daughters whose method of coping with the discomfort of seeing their mom struggle was to laugh when she demanded in a hissy fit that they help out around the house more.

So how about online dating?  One site says 'more marriages than any other online service' another says they can scientifically connect you with potential mates, still others for the over fifty crowd.  So many choices!  The free ones, well, you get what you pay for.  Even still, I know people who have had luck and are married.  One counselor I met during my divorce journey shared that she met her soulmate second husband through the personals - before online anything of course.

What I learned about myself after a lot of tantrums with God was that I am a good catch and it will be right when it's right, and I will know it.  So many people who have remarried with good, solid, loving relationships have told me that.  For now, I prefer to be on my own, which means I'd better watch out.  That's when 'the one' usually shows up, right when you're ready to let all of those hopes and dreams of true love go, not with resignation or complacency, but with excitement over working on those dreams.

Iyanla Vanzant, a frequent Oprah guest, has several inspirational books out, but the one that helped me along the way was In the Meantime.  So in the meantime, I'm having fun learning new things, like how to write a blog, how to do my new job, how to have friends over casually and inexpensively, how to reuse my furniture in new ways, how to plan for a future with a significant drop in (alimony/child support) income, and all sorts of things.

Did you have a fling?  Are you ok where you are?  What are you doing to fulfill yourself?  Did your soul mate show up?