Divorce

It's a sin, right?  I never wanted to ever ever ever get a divorce, not ever.  I lived the deep pain it caused my childhood family when my parents split as I turned 15.  The sudden unexpected shock of our lives changing on a dime haunted me for years after breathing an enormous sigh of relief that my parents remarried within a year after their divorce.  I didn't care if they were happy or not, I just wanted my family back together - my prayer was answered.  

When I married at 28,  I knew my husband was safe, I could trust him explicitly.  He would never leave me, after all, I was in charge!  I put all of my trust in him.  And yet...as the years passed I complained.  I lamented.  I berated.  Just the other day in my counseling group the therapist said to another group member, "Deep down you really wanted out, right?  But you couldn't fathom the idea of just outright ending it, so you subconsciously ended it by having an affair."  

Something struck a chord in me when she said that.  I did have some years where I wanted out, who doesn't, right?  It showed in my negative behavior.  I wanted out of the relationship because it felt so empty, but I never ever wanted out of the marriage!  Never wanted out of the family, so divorce was never a real option.  Besides I had promised God and God hates divorce.  The enviironment of being part of a family was my lifesaver, but it was the kind of lifesaver that isn't quite enough to keep you afloat, so you cling more and more desperately, flailing in the water.

Time passed, life happened - kids activities, an 'if you're not going to participate then I'll just be sure and take care of myself' attitude - two book groups for me plus one, then two church discussion groups, bridge night, kitchen gadget parties, church volunteering.  

Through it all I had also been almost obsessively compelled to learn about God through my religion, almost as if my life depended on it.  (Come to find out later, it did.).  

Always a voracious nonfiction reader, reading mostly about raising good kids, I began to see how things clicked, how there really is a universal truth.  Other books about marriage fell into my lap, and while some were extremely conservative, much of the content made complete sense to me, especially one recommended by a corporate consultant my husband worked with.  Slowly I began to see how my years of complaining and fussing and disappointment had contributed to our disconnect.  All those years I was blaming him for everything, and here I was just as much the reason, and in my darker times, maybe even more of the reason that we were so disconnected.

It was as if I finally got it!  Like Maya Angelou says, "When you know better, you do better."  Finally, I saw my husband as the feeling human being he was, who was just trying to do his best, who was no more imperfect than I.  Finally I could really ingest his remarks and expressions that my complaints had drowned out for so many years.  I immediately stopped with my negativity (well, as immediately as a person who has done something for so long can); I felt remorse and compassion towards him; I felt hope for our marriage.  

I stopped running the show; I was tired of doing it all anyway.  In fact I completely stopped.  I began to 'let' him make most all of the decisions about our social life, as I pulled back into the shadows.  I began to see my children differently and stopped running so many elements of their lives that I was doing to boost my pride over their wishes.  I apologized to my siblings for my years of a superior, domineering attitude towards them, and to my father's wife who had joined the family ten months after my mother's death.  I told her I loved her and I asked her to forgive me for holding back my love.  We formed a new bond that had grown little by little as I watched the tenderness she showed towards my children and my father.

We started to hang out with 'new' friends, a couple who were higher ranking than us in the corporate world and our community, more outgoing than we were, more worldly and confident, excellent storytellers, fun, interesting people.  There was alcohol flowing, and even with my growing faith, growing belief, I still hadn't learned that all important lesson about trusting your gut, about being still and knowing, about listening.  My soul was whispering oh so quietly, 'Danger! Get away from this,' and my head was telling me otherwise - to 'let him enjoy these people, when we're with them, he opens up, just like I've been longing for.'  Did you see the red flag pop up just then?  I did, but only in my periphery and I ultimately chose to ignore it.  Besides, I liked the attention we were both getting from this couple.

Fast forward about a year and well, the rest is history.  The thing that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt would never, ever, ever happen, happened.  The thing that I knew I would never be able to live without, my intact family, was no more.  Mirroring my counselor's failed marriage, 'He left just before the magic!'

I was told it takes a year for every five years of marriage to recover from divorce.  My husband filed for divorce two days after our 20th anniversary, having moved out not even four weeks before, which was just five days before the first of our two daughters' fall birthdays.  Really?  It couldn't wait just a few weeks until both girls had their last little house birthday parties?  I digress.  I couldn't believe it.  

That was my big fat problem.  I couldn't believe it for a very long time.  Sometimes, even now, well beyond my four plus years of recovery time I can't believe it.  I don't admit that to anyone who has never been through a divorce; they wouldn't understand, just as I wouldn't have been able to understand had I not been through it. 

Don't get me wrong, now, as I write this blog in order to connect and share experiences with others in my position, I wouldn't go back.  Never.  Doesn't mean it's easy, or was easy.  The truth is, who I am now, well, I like myself now, all of me (most of the time); I like what I have been able to accomplish by myself.  Don't you?  Aren't you proud of each little 'first' that you did on your own?